Love Addiction
What is Love Addiction?
Love addiction is a human behaviour which sees people become addicted to the feelings of love. Love addicts can take on many different behaviours. Love addiction is often perceived to be "less serious" than other process addictions [i.e. compulsive sexual addictions, eating disorders, drugs or alcohol] because it sounds "softer." In reality, it is extremely painful and can be very dangerous to both the addict and their partners.
In the same way a drug addict becomes so obsessed with their next fix, a person with Love addiction can become so obsessed with a lover that the relationship becomes the centre of their universe and their main or only source of happiness. They feel powerless to contemplate the end of their relationship regardless of how poorly they may be treated.
A person who is excessively attached to another person has most likely carried those habits over from past relationships. The conditions in such past relationships left the person feeling inadequate or mentally and/or physically abused. Romantic relationships are not the only type that cause such habits to develop; they can also stem from any of the following conditions: lack of nurturing or attention during childhood, isolation or detachment from family, hidden pain, early abandonment, unrecognized early needs, fears of rejection, pain, and lack of love or hope.
A love addict has a fear of change. They will attach themselves to another person as a means of obtaining that person's identity for themselves. Having low self-esteem and lacking self-identity, the person chooses a mate or friend they would like to become. Crimes of passion, murder, suicides, and stalking, bloom out of these relationships. A love addict often has the need to control the relationship; they will use sex to get their own way or in exchange for love as he or she can confuse sex with love.
When a person tries to break up with a love addict, the situation often becomes very intense and can result in stalking. The break-up adds to the addicts already overloaded emotional system. The love addict is not afraid to be as outlandish as possible in their actions.
People in healthy love relationships have mutual respect, reciprocal giving sharing and support and have established stable boundaries. Above all they have "a walk away point" beyond which a partner's mistreatment of them will result in their own decision to end the relationship no matter how much they may love that partner.
Am I a Love Addict and what can I do?
Why not read through the statements below to see if any of them relate to you?- 1. Do you tend to stay in relationships, even though you're hurt over and over again?
- 2. Do you make excuses for the way your partner mistreats and hurts you?
- 3. Do you rationalize away the things you don't like in your relationship?
- 4. Have you ever thought of leaving the relationship and been too afraid of being alone?
- 5. Does your self esteem or mood depend on your partner's behaviour towards you?
- 6. Do you know that the relationship is bad for you or causes you frequent pain but can't contemplate leaving for the terrible fear of being alone?
- 7. Do you try to change your partners?
- 8. Do you become intimate before you have established trust?
- 9. Do you disregard what is important to you in order to please your partner?
- 10. Do you attempt to subtly manipulate your partners to change and or stay with you?
- 11. Do you let abusive people remain in your life?
- 12. Do you or those you are attracted to abuse you or refuse commitment?
- 13. Do you look to others to fulfil your needs?
- 14. Do you expect or demand unconditional love?
Love addiction responds to treatment and / or therapy with a practitioner knowledgeable in its effects and origins. In this practice we offer therapy for Love Addiction.
A 12 step program called SLAA ( Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous ) can also be helpful.
The primary sources of this material are "The Intimacy Factor", "Facing Love Addiction" and "Facing Co-Dependency" by Pia Mellody.